


The World is a little more Quiet with You

by LemonYellowFlowers



Category: The Prom - Sklar/Beguelin/Martin
Genre: Autistic!Emma, F/F
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-12-23
Updated: 2020-12-25
Packaged: 2021-03-10 21:46:52
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 12,683
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28264122
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/LemonYellowFlowers/pseuds/LemonYellowFlowers
Summary: Okay so in this Emma is autistic because there are a few things that came out of Jellpell's portrayal that I just... read as autistic okay. So this is the story of how Her and Alyssa end up together and then their first time. Rating explicit for the last chapter which obviously doesn't really exist because we agree to not speak about it okay. Okay? Enjoy. (mostly joking).
Relationships: Alyssa Greene/Emma Nolan
Comments: 27
Kudos: 102





	1. Alarm bells are ringing in my ears, but unusually they're Real

Everybody knew that Emma Nolan was a lesbian. It was not something she’d ever been able to hide - she was so young when she’d come out that she hadn’t realised it was wrong. Or, at least, wrong according to her parents. And classmates. Her and the other kids had been in a playground and someone had suggested playing kissing tag and Emma had just bluntly declared she’d rather kiss the girls than the boys.

Yeah. It hadn’t gone over well.

Who knew that Conservative Christian Edgewater, Indiana would have a problem with The Gays?

(Okay. She gets it.)

Still, she hadn’t heard the word lesbian until one of her classmates had called her it (and then told everyone else she was one). Which, actually, maybe there was a conversation there somewhere about how she’d known in the first place about lesbians.

Emma doesn’t really care.

Because kids are shit. They think they’re hilarious - they’re emboldened by popularity and a mob mentality that Emma has never understood (although Emma has never really been part of the mob). Kids can do what they like, they can push her, they can call her every name under the sun. Emma doesn’t give a shit, she just smiles. Like she’s been told to do since she was small.

Smile at people. Look them in the eye. Shake their hands.

Because at home - she can decompress. At home she can wrap herself under a weighted blanket, wear her coloured glasses and noise cancelling headphones, and rock backwards and forwards until the world finally feels balanced again.

So yeah, people know she’s a lesbian. But no one knows she’s autistic. No one apart from her Grandma and her parents.

Most people think she lives with her Grandma because her parents couldn’t stand the idea of their daughter being a lesbian, but that was actually just the breaking point. Her parents had hated her long before that. Since the first major supermarket tantrums. Since the screaming when the phone rang and the absolute obsession with blu tac.

She ignores the whispers that pass her by like they’re nothing. But kids are observant fucks. And somehow someone managed to notice that Emma might completely ignore you if you call her a dyke, but throw a whiteboard sponge at her? She’ll flinch - violently.

It’s just one of her things. She can’t stand sponge and she can’t stand velvet. There are a few other things too but they’re less likely to be found in everyday life and well, at least twice a week Emma finds herself trapped in a science classroom with kids who already hate her, each one armed with a whiteboard and a sponge whiteboard rubber.

Currently the girl sat next to her keeps trying to press the sponge to the back of her neck and Emma wants to claw the skin there because the sensation from the one time this girl (Kaylee, if memory serves Emma correctly) was successful is still lingering and it’s so intense and painful that it feels like someone is digging pins into her skin and she can’t get rid of the feeling. 

Someone throws a sponge, it brushes against her hair and Emma jumps. Kaylee snorts next to her, air high-fiving her boyfriend, Nick. 

Emma tries to remember how to breathe. It’s her last year of High School, and then she’ll be free of these people. Of this place. Of Chemistry class with arseholes.

Mr. Clark brings a brief reprise by calling everyone’s attention back to the front. 

“Okay. Seeing as it’s nearly Christmas I thought we’d try something new for the break, I know I normally pair you up using the tables, or by letting you pick your partners, but I want to try and challenge you guys. It’s not long to your exams now and it’s time you step outside of your comfort zones a little bit, so…” Mr Clarke trails off, moving to the door of the classroom, he opens it up and steps outside, wheeling a large whiteboard back in. Stuck to the front of it, in what Emma would describe as offensive shades of Red and Green, is a large Wheel. Mr. Clarke has clearly made it himself, he’s even decorated it with glitter and reindeer and suddenly Emma wonders how this man thinks a class of seventeen and eighteen year olds are going to react to this. She can see that on the wheel, each of her classmates are listed, and suddenly Emma has a sinking feeling that she knows where this is headed.

Mr Clarke proudly grabs hold of the nearest name and a horrible ripping sound fills the air as velcro separates. Emma tenses, grits her teeth as the noise echoes through her mind for a moment. 

“I thought I’d invite at least half of you up to give it a spin and find out who your partners are.”

Emma closes her eyes, thinking better of the urge to comment on the atrocity that Mr. Clarke has brought into the room. This is the worst idea Emma thinks he’s ever had, and her thoughts are - surprisingly - echoed on the faces of her classmates. For once Emma agrees with the rest of them - this sucks.

“So who wants to spin first?” Emma feels slightly sorry for Mr. Clarke when no one makes a move. There’s quiet for a moment, before a slight sigh comes from a few seats over and a girl called Carrie speaks up.

“I’ll give it a go sir.” Emma watches as Carrie moves to stand. She has a little more respect for Carrie as she sees her smile encouragingly at their teacher, who’s looking a little sad at the general lack of enthusiasm in the room. Emma feels sort of neutral about Carrie, which in fairness is a lot more than she can say for the majority of her classmates. Carrie’s never been rude, or mean, or really even spared a glance for Emma. They’ve spoken twice, both times when they’ve been assigned a project together. Carrie never complained about being paired with Emma, and given Emma’s status as the social pariah of the high school, that was actually quite a big deal.

Emma watches as Carrie spins the wheel and finds her surprising herself as she hopes the needle lands on her name. At least she knows it won’t be so bad if it’s Carrie.

Unfortunately for her, the name Carrie lands on is Nick. Carrie sends a slightly panicked look to Kaylee who is glaring at Carrie, Nick on the other hand is looking at Kaylee, with a kicked puppy sort of look. If it weren’t for Emma still trying to get over the stinging at the back of her neck, she might laugh at just how whipped Nick was. 

The murmuring that has spread through the classroom comes to a close as Mr. Clarke gestures for the girl on the other side of Carrie to come up and spin. Emma doesn’t look up. 

Alyssa Greene makes her way to the wheel and Emma doesn’t risk glancing. The last thing she needs is for anyone to pick up on her sort of crush on the other girl. Emma doesn’t even understand it herself, because she’s everything Emma normally hates - preppy, a cheerleader and obsessed with schoolwork. She does about a million and one extra-curricular activities and her mother is a force to be reckoned with as head of the PTA and one of the main helpers at their church. Mrs. Greene was one of many reasons that Emma was no longer welcomed at church. To quote the posters - yes, posters - “No one should be forced to share a pew with a homosexual sinner”. 

Not the catchiest slogan, and yet another reason that Emma should probably take issue with Alyssa. 

But Alyssa is pretty much the only one out of the cheer squad that doesn’t pick on Emma. Has even told her friends to lay off sometimes. She often offers a smile to Emma, when she knows no one else is looking, and for some reason it gives Emma this weird tingly feeling in her hands every time. 

She hates it. She hates her stupid crush on Alyssa Greene. 

“Emma!” Her name being called out by the teacher brings her back from her thoughts and she finds herself looking up to see Alyssa staring right at her.

“Hmm?”

“You’re partnered with Alyssa Greene.”

Of course she was. If god exists, Emma has a lot of things she wants to discuss with him. She’s not mad, she just wants to talk.

Alyssa is still standing at the front of the room and looking at Emma and Emma’s gaze finds a point next to her head on the wall. It’s a trick she learnt when she was younger, people can’t really tell the difference between you looking in their eyes and you looking next to their eyes. Lucky for Emma she has a lot of tricks to get around her own awkwardness. She forces a smile - she knows herself well enough to know that it will seem natural to everyone else - and she also knows that Alyssa will think it’s directed at her.

It seems to work, because now Alyssa is smiling and then she sits.

And shit, Emma is actually going to have to work with her.

The next few minutes pass in a blur as the rest of the class is paired up. As soon as everyone has a partner, Mr. Clarke announces that he has a ‘fun’ experiment prepared to break the ice with their new partners. Which is how Emma finds herself sat next to Alyssa, making, what she’s fairly sure, is peanut brittle. Mr. Clarke is using all sorts of fancy words and instructing them to use acid - but yeah Emma recognises peanut brittle ingredients. 

She’s impressed with how calm she’s managing to be with Alyssa in such close proximity. Emma can smell the usual perfume that follows Alyssa’s presence in the hallway and normally Emma is a bit bothered by strong scents but she can’t really bring herself to care. The pair have still barely spoken to each other, beyond hellos and a couple of questions during set-up. Emma’s okay with this. She’d rather be able to maintain her focus. Which is why she’s unprepared when Alyssa touches her to move her elbow.

“You need to hold this higher.” Emma jolts as soon as Alyssa touches her and to her horror she knocks the small burner in front of her which immediately sets alight to her chemistry textbook. Emma moves back, her hands finding the desk behind her but she immediately brushes against one of the whiteboard sponges that’s been left there and that results in her jerking her hand back and falling over. Alyssa is already in motion, righting the burner and picking up Emma’s burning book and placing it in the sink. She tries turning on the tap but it doesn’t budge so tries to smother the flame and she manages to just about put it out. She offers a hand to Emma, pulling her back up.

Then the fire alarm goes off.

Normally Emma knows when the fire drills are going to be - she’s a model student and there are a few teachers out there who feel sympathy for her - including the head - so she can normally find out when they’re going to be. She wears her special ear plugs - her see through ones, and she finds a spot near the exit so she only hears the alarm for as short a time as possible.

None of this helps in the moment. And before Emma can really process what’s happening her hands are clamped over her ears and she’s on the floor again, rocking, and crying out. 

Thankfully most people don’t notice, to busy panicking and rushing out the door to notice Emma’s weird reaction.

But then, Alyssa Greene isn’t most people. Emma registers there’s a hand on her arm pulling her, but she doesn’t bother opening her eyes. She keeps her face scrunched, like closing her eyes will somehow make the noise quieter, and she keeps her hands firmly over her ears. It’s only when a few moments pass and Emma realises that she isn’t outside yet and she definitely should by now that she cracks her eyes open slightly.

Alyssa Greene is dragging her through the school corridor with a determined look on her face.

Emma closes her eyes again. She can’t focus on anything other than the ringing. It’s like it’s inside her, her whole insides vibrating, except that it hurts. She wants to scream - hell she might be screaming. Emma doesn’t know anymore.

It takes a few moments for Emma to register that the noise can’t actually be heard anymore. Or at least that it’s nowhere near as loud as it should be. It takes a few more moments for Emma to even her breathing out. Slowly, she opens her eyes, and she finds herself face to face with Alyssa Greene. 

The other girl is in extremely close proximity, and Emma notes that the room is small but doesn’t call for Alyssa to be as close as she is. She frowns, realises that her mouth is open and that she’s whimpering. She quickly closes her mouth, embarrassed. 

Alyssa is so close that Emma can see the patterns in her eyes. Alyssa looks worried. It’s too much for Emma to try and process at once so she closes her eyes again. She moves back, until she feels herself hit something solid, and then she sinks to the floor. Slowly, she lowers her hands from her ears, relieved to discover that the noise seems to have stopped.

Then the whole situation starts to sink in.

Shit she set fire to her textbook.

Which set the fire alarm off. 

And now she’s god knows where with Alyssa Greene giving her a look that makes Emma want to fidget and flap her hands. 

Not necessarily in a bad way.

“Are you okay?” Emma is surprised to note that Alyssa speaks quietly, pitching her voice low. It’s something her Grandma does when she’s overwhelmed and she wonders whether Alyssa maybe knows something or if she’s operating on instinct.

“I-” Emma immediately cuts herself off, because her voice is hoarse and she doesn’t need shit for that right now. She clears her throat a couple of times. Coughing to clear it properly.

“Yeah, I, yeah. I’m fine thank you.” Alyssa gives a nod, moving to sit. She’s not too close to Emma now, seemingly happy that Emma doesn’t look stressed anymore, she moves to sit a little further away.

“Do you, uh, want to talk about it?” Alyssa asks quietly, and Emma sighs because she’s worked so hard to not ever have this conversation. 

“I’m okay.”

“Okay.” Emma glances around then - and now her brain is a little clearer she registers the fact that she still isn’t sure exactly where they are. She knows they must still be in school because they didn’t walk very far and besides Alyssa isn’t the type of person to ditch but-

“We’re in the music block.” Alyssa must have noticed Emma looking around, and she looks at the other girl, who shrugs slightly.

“I remembered that you used to play guitar a lot and figured you might like to be somewhere you’re used to? Plus this specific closet, I’m the only student who has a key. It’s a soundproofed room and I guess I just figured… it’s quiet.” Alyssa shrugs, like she hasn’t just announced that she’s taken Emma to a private place she thought would be best to look after her. Emma realises she’s staring, and also blushing slightly, and Alyssa is squirming a little bit.

“Thank you.”

“You don’t have to talk to me or anything but, uh- what was wrong?” And for a moment, Emma wants to tell her. Wants to explain that she’s autistic and that sometimes noises are overwhelming and that she is constantly hiding this thing because there’s something else other about her and she doesn’t need the bullies in the school to know exactly how to press her buttons-

And that’s when she remembers. That this is Alyssa Greene, co-captain of the Cheerleading squad and best friends with most of the bullies. 

“Why do you care?” Emma regrets it as soon as the words are out of her mouth because Alyssa looks sad. And then - well then Emma can’t really read the look on her face. It closes off and Emma knows she’s overstepped. 

“Give me your phone.” Gone is the softness from her voice before, Alyssa isn’t being loud but her words are sharp, and Emma frowns, responding on autopilot and handing over her phone.

Alyssa just rolls her eyes.

“Unlocked. Duh.”

“What are you going to do with it?” Alyssa arches an eyebrow and there’s something about it that Emma finds attractive, even in this moment, which is about as far from romantic as it’s possible to be. 

“You need my number if we’re going to organise a chance to do the chemistry homework.” And Emma knows that what Alyssa is saying is true, and purely based in practicality, but her brain stopped functioning when she realised that she was about to have Alyssa Greene’s number. She unlocks the phone and hands it to Alyssa, who immediately adds her number then hands it back.  
“Are you free afterschool?”

“Uh, yes?”

“Good. Meet me in the chem labs Nolan, and you better not lose this key.” Alyssa unlocks the door, before throwing the key onto the ground next to Emma.

There’s a moment, when the door is part way open (and with it the sounds of the school are seeping back in to Emma’s earshot) where Alyssa pauses and looks at Emma again and too many things happen to Alyssa’s face for Emma to be able to even remotely attempt at deciphering what her expression means. She holds Emma’s gaze, and Emma does her best to just allow it. To not squirm. Alyssa opens her mouth as if to say something, but seemingly thinking better of it, she turns instead.

“See you later.” The words aren’t spoken loudly, but Emma still catches them as the door closes behind Alyssa and Emma leans her head back against the wall. 

Well shit.


	2. Let's see if we can make Chemistry happen

Alyssa can feel her heart hammering in her chest and her throat feels too tight and - what the fuck was she thinking.

When the wheel had landed on Emma, Alyssa cursed Mr. Clarke for his stupid ridiculous idea of christmas fun. It was hard enough trying to pass off as straight, without being associated with the Out and Proud lesbian as it was. Alyssa wasn’t stupid - she knew exactly what would happen if she mentioned anything, heck she saw it happen everyday in the halls. She did the best she could to protect Emma, convincing her friends to lay off when she can, offering small smiles - on one occasion she’d come into school early and scrubbed off some the graffiti she’d been present for on the previous night. Kevin had decided it would be funny to write ‘freak’ on Emma’s locker. Alyssa hadn’t wanted Emma to see it.

Everyone figured it had just been the cleaners.

Cleaner’s her arse.

It has been instinct, when everything had started to go wrong, to protect Emma. She could tell the girl was clearly bothered by the noise even if she didn’t really know why and Alyssa couldn’t bear to see the pain etched across Emma’s face. So she’d taken her to the one place on school grounds that was private. She’d known straight away that it would help and she’d been right. Emma had relaxed.

And then for some reason she’d snapped.

Alyssa had been trying so hard, to be a friend. At least. She’d been trying for years. But clearly she’d failed. And clearly Emma had some issue with her.

A small voice in her head pointed out that it probably had something to do with her being friends with the schools worst offenders for when it came to bullying - but that wasn’t Alyssa’s fault. She had to be. She had to be friends with everyone. She had to smile at everyone. She had to be kind. She had to be polite. She had to wear her hair a certain way and brush her teeth four times a day and eat certain foods at certain times and it wasn’t her fault that her whole life was rules!

Alyssa took a breath. Praying that no one had really noticed her disappearance with the school’s lesbian. The last thing she needed right now was suspicion.

She couldn’t do it. She’d been beside her Mom as Mrs. Greene had printed the posters which eventually resulted in Emma being banned from church. Hell she’d even helped hang a few. She’d seen the anger, the disgust, written clear as day across her Mom’s face so no - she didn’t plan on ever telling anyone that she had a crush on a girl.

Stupid. Fucking. Adorable. Emma Fucking Nolan.

Alyssa shook her head, trying to clear it.

The band closet. She’d taken Emma to the band closet. Not even her closest friends knew she had a key to the place (not least because she was almost certain that her friends would try to borrow the key to get some alone time - and that was not a mental image she wanted). She’d been given access during her first couple of years at the school, her Mom wanted her to learn to play the Violin, and the school was used to what Freshman learning violin sounded like. So they’d soundproofed a closet and Alyssa used to have her weekly lessons in there. 

Alyssa had never got used to the violin, and eventually the teacher left (not because of her - she just found a better job) and so the closet sort of just became a stacking space. One of the music teachers let her have a key initially so she could keep practicing the instrument, but quickly realised that was unlikely to happen. Alyssa was terrible - and she found she was surprisingly okay with that. She sort of liked having something she wasn’t very good at.

The teachers had let her keep the key after the first few times she’d started having anxiety attacks. It was a quiet place to go that no one else ever really used and eventually everyone seemed to forget about it.

Except Alyssa.

And now Emma Nolan.

Alyssa cursed herself again. At one point - she’d thought it was possible that Emma held feelings for her too - she’d caught Emma staring one too many times for it to be totally explainable, but Alyssa had just written it off as curiosity. Now she was sure Emma didn’t feel the same way, and that sucked, because they finally had an excuse to actually spend some time together.

The rest of the day passed in a weird sort of blur for Alyssa. She took notes in her English and Math lessons but kind of tuned out for History. And she kept nearly falling over in cheer practice because she went the wrong way so many times. Eventually Shelby just put her on the sidelines.

Shelby cornered her though, when practice was over, just before lunch could officially end.

“Okay Alyssa, what the hell was that?”

“Was what?”

“Was that! You messing up all the moves. We were literally running the basics.”

“Sorry-” Alyssa winces, and rubs her head. “I know it’s basics, and I really have learnt the routine, I promise. I’ve just got a bit of a headache is all.” Shelby frowns for a moment, before nodding once, seemingly satisfied.

“Rest then. Also I have some painkillers in my bag if you need them.” Shelby tilts her head to the side slightly, as if doing some sort of mental calculation, before nodding again, “and some tampons and pads.”

Sometimes Alyssa wonders if Shelby has some sort of weird period related superpower, because not even an hour later Alyssa comes on and has to take Shelby up on her offer. By the time the end of the day comes around Alyssa’s back is killing her and she just wants to go home and cuddle up with a hot water bottle and take a nap.

She knows she can’t do that, and insteads heads to the chemistry classroom.

Emma is standing outside the door, looking around. She offers a small smile when she sees Alyssa and Alyssa narrows her eyes slightly, wondering what the heck that expression is meant to mean. As she moves closer, Emma steps forward.

“Hi.”

“Hey.”

“Can we talk?”

And Alyssa isn’t sure what she’s expecting really, but it’s not that. Emma isn’t looking at her, not exactly, she seems to be looking somewhere just past Alyssa and Alyssa has to restrain herself from turning around and trying to work out what. She just nods her head once, instead, and follows Emma into the classroom.

The room is empty, which Alyssa expected, but as the door closes behind them Alyssa is still very aware of the fact that this is the second time today she’s been in a space with just Emma and already her self-control is slipping and she’s finding it overwhelming and oh god- this assignment is definitely going to kill her.

In front of her, Emma takes a deep breath, and then closes her eyes.

“You were really nice to me this morning and I was rude. I was defensive about why you were helping me because I’m- well, most people don’t help me. But I was judging you based on the people you are surrounded by, as opposed to you.” Emma opens her eyes again, finding Alyssa.

Alyssa is aware that it’s something Emma does a lot, whenever she has to say something serious, or something that requires her to engage with her emotions, Emma has a habit of closing her eyes. Alyssa wonders why. Not for the first time she finds herself wanting to know everything she possibly can about Emma Nolan. 

Alyssa realises that Emma is clenching her fist repeatedly, it’s a small movement, rhythmic, and she wonders whether Emma is aware she’s doing it. Then she realises she hasn’t spoken. 

“You’re right to be defensive.” It’s the only thing Alyssa can think to say in response, and she says it because it’s true. She understands exactly why Emma is the way she is, but suddenly, as she sees Emma’s eyes widen and a slight look of panic cross her expression, as she sees the way Emma’s eyes glance around the room, looking for something out of place and assessing the space, she realises exactly how that must have sounded.

“Wait no, I didn’t mean it like that!” Alyssa quickly corrects herself, and Emma looks from the room back to her, her expression going from panic to confusion, she tilts her head to the side slightly as she looks at Alyssa.

“I just, I meant - I get it. I understand why you were defensive. And I shouldn’t have been, uh, well offended by that.” Emma doesn’t move, and Alyssa feels a need to explain herself.

“Look you just seemed like the noise was bothering you and I wanted to help and I knew a way to do that and I know my friends are shit and I figured this was just something I could do.” Alyssa sighs and finds herself rubbing the bridge of her nose because this is not how she wanted this to go. Emma still doesn’t say anything and it’s not like Alyssa is really in control anymore because she wants Emma to just stop looking at her like that, like she’s some sort of complicated puzzle that she has to figure out.

“I just wanted to help because you were clearly in pain and I couldn’t deal with that and I care about you-” Alyssa cuts herself off suddenly.

“You care about me?” And now Emma’s face is scrunched up in confusion and could she become any more adorable and that’s really not what Alyssa should be focusing on right now.

“I, uh. I mean. I care about everyone.” Emma nods at that, and is quiet for a moment,

“So who else knows about the band closet?”

“Uh, no one?”

“Wait really?”

“Yeah.”

“I mean I know you said you were the only one with a key but I kind of figured you and your friends might uh, hang out there. Or do stuff.” Alyssa understands what Emma’s trying to imply and both girls shudder as one, and then laugh at the other.

“Okay so maybe not.”

“Yeah, no.”

“So why show me?”

“I- I told you this morning. You looked like you needed somewhere quiet.” 

“Yes but, you’ve clearly kept that space private for a while. And I’m definitely not the first student to have some sort of sensory overload in front of you…” Emma trails off as she realises what she said, but Alyssa just feels confused. And overwhelmed, and like Emma is poking at things she shouldn’t be.

“Sensory overload?”

“Can we pretend I didn’t mention that?” Alyssa sees Emma grimace, but she doesn’t follow, she feels like she’s missed something and she hates the feeling.

“Emma, what’s going on? What are you hiding?” 

“What are you hiding?” And Alyssa sputters at that, but, okay, it’s a fair point. 

And suddenly Alyssa just feels tired. She’s so tired. All the time. It’s exhausting having to be Alyssa Greene and here is someone in front of whom she likes, who makes her feel better because they share secret smiles and yet they haven’t ever really spoken before and it’s taken all of one day of interacting with Emma Nolan for Alyssa to just want to throw all the rules she’s ever set for herself out the window. She has a headache coming on and she feels a little bit sick but before she can talk herself out of it, she just sits down, glances at Emma, and then, suddenly very interested in the table in front of her, speaks.

“I’m gay.”

There’s silence. Alyssa doesn’t say anything else, and just waits, but she can’t even hear Emma breathing so she chances a glance up and sees that Emma is just looking at her, not with pity, but with, something. Understanding maybe. Or realisation. Alyssa figures that Emma is probably thinking back over their interactions and starting to put the pieces together, the way she always tries to defend Emma being a big one.

The good news is that Emma doesn’t seem to be judging her - but then, she figures - that would probably be a little hypocritical anyway. Before she can say anything else, Emma breaks the silence.

“I’m autistic.” Alyssa had wondered a few things, but that throws her. Alyssa is vaguely aware of what autism is, her Mom had made her do some charity work a few years back with kids with learning difficulties. She remembers one of the children in particular who wouldn’t speak to anyone, constantly rocking backwards and forwards and flapping his hands. He’d hated loud noises. 

She thinks back to Emma earlier, freaking out in the classroom. The way she’d started to cry out when the alarm went off, hands clamped over her ears. Suddenly the pieces start to fall into place.

Sensory issues. Eye contact. Her ability to smile through slurs but her hatred of sponge. 

“Does anyone else know?” It’s not deliberate, but Alyssa speaks quietly, afraid to break whatever weird sort of peace agreement has just formed between them.

“My Mom and Dad, and my Grandma. You?”

“No.” Emma nods. There’s quiet for a moment, and Alyssa wonders how exactly they’re going to move past this, and then Emma just says,

“So chemistry?”

“Just like that?”

“What?”

“I tell you I’m gay, and you’re willing to just move past it.”

“Oh, uh, did you, want to talk about it?” And Emma seems confused, or maybe amused, Alyssa isn’t sure, but she decides then and there that she doesn’t give a shit what anyone else says or thinks.

Alyssa and Emma are going to be friends.

“Nope, we can do chemistry.” 

The pair set about setting up the experiment from earlier (Alyssa had already checked in with Mr. Clarke after their disastrous first attempt at the ice breaker experiment and he’d been willing to write it off, should they complete it in full). This time, they take their time. They’re close, but not to close, and Alyssa records all the date they need on the whiteboard ready to transfer into their books later (they decided it would be for the best if they kept their books away from the fire, this time). Emma brushes up against Alyssa a couple of times, and Alyssa tries not to show how aware she is of how close they are.

At one point, Alyssa is crouched slightly, watching the pan, with Emma right behind her. It’s not deliberate, she knows that, but as they see it start to cook properly, Emma lets out a quiet,

“Yes.” And okay, so they were closer than Alyssa realised because she can feel Emma’s breath on the back of her neck and ear. And apparently whispering works for her who knew. She shivers slightly, and because Emma is Emma of course she notices.

"Lys, you okay?" Emma has a nickname for her. She loves it. Emma is still sort of whispering and Alyssa's stomach does a sort of swooping thing and she clenches her hands on the counter top because now really isn't the time for her new friend to be accidentally turning her on. 

"Oh I- what?" Emma is blushing bright red and standing back and shit which part did Alyssa say out loud.

"I'm so sorry." Emma is bright red and definitely not looking at her and yeah Alyssa is pretty sure which part she said out loud.

"God, no. Don't apologise! It's not your fault I didn't mean to just blurt that out there like that."

"It's fine, honestly. It's not like-" Emma cuts herself off, and Alyssa knows that she has to know the end of the sentence.

"It's not like?" Alyssa's tone is questioning, and a little bit teasing, and based on the fact that Emma can't look at her (but in a good way? she thinks) Alyssa knows that whaetver is in Emma's head has something to do with her.

Emma is stubbornly avoiding eye contact now. The pair of them have stood up, the project left, ignored, between them. 

"Em?" 

"Yes?" 

"You haven't answered."

"What was the question again?" Emma is still looking away from Alyssa and so she takes a risk. She takes a step forward, it's slow- leaving plenty of time for Emma to back away.

She doesn't.

"Look at me." Emma makes a weird sort of noise that sounds a little bit pained in a more serious way than Alyssa would like.

"I- um- I can't-"

"Em?" Emma's eyes are squeezed shut again.

"Eye contact is a lot." 

"Okay, hey, Em? That's okay." And Alyssa reaches forward, letting her arm brush against Emma's but Emma flinches and then shakes her head and then she's backing away from Alyssa clutching her arm. Alyssa pulls her arm back looking worried.

"Shit - I'm sorry. Lys, I'm sorry."

"You don't need to apologise. Can you, explain what happened?"

"I, uh, I don't really like light touches. I prefer firm, like uh, being squeezed."

"Prefer or need." 

"Well I can cope with light touches I guess-"

"Em."

"Need."

"Okay. Thank you for telling me that," Alyssa pauses, and then she smirks again, "so what's it not like." 

Emma sighs. She knows she's not getting out of this so she figures she should just get it out between them.

"It's not like I'm upset that I can turn you on."

And whatever Alyssa had been expecting - it wasn't that. And now neither of them can really look at each other because both of them are blushing. 

Alyssa is very aware of how close they are to each other. Emma is the one who moves forward slightly and Alyssa isn't really thinking and suddenly their foreheads are pressed together. Alyssa goes to move back but Emma moves a hand to the back of her neck and holds her there. 

Alyssa immediately stills.

Emma seems to realise what she's done and let's go again quickly.

"Sorry."

This time Emma goes to pull back but Alyssa stops her with a hand in her hair at the back of the neck. Alyssa's using pressure, and Emma's eyes drop closed.

"Is this okay?"

"Yes." Alyssa is so close to Emma that she can feel the breath of her response on her lips. 

"Em?"

"Mmm." Alyssa's eyes close, and she finds herself feeling slightly overwhelmed by Emma's proximity and before she can stop herself she's speaking again.

"I like you Emma." The words are quiet between them. And Emma doesn't make a move, for a moment Alyssa isn't even sure Emma heard. But despite the fact she wants to believe that, she knows it can't be true. Alyssa just waits. She's learning that Emma not reacting is probably a reaction in of itself.

"I like you too."

A loud crack fills the air. 

Emma's eyes go wide as she takes in Alyssa covered in Peanut Brittle. Alyssa nearly starts to laugh as she takes in Emma covered in peanut Brittle.

"Shit." 

"Do you think Mr. Clarke will let us do this a third time?"

"Let's hope."

The pair set to clearing up all over again. There's peanut brittle everywhere but they work fairly quickly. It's easy for them to clean up the desk but the both of them have it all over their clothes and hair too.

"I think I'd better go home and change." 

"Oh god."

"What?"

"I can't let my Mom see me like this."

"Oh, well, you could uh, you could come back to mine? If you wanted? Just to borrow some clothes."

Alyssa's pulse quickens because even if nothing else happens between them she's still told Emma she liked her, Emma said it back and now she's suggesting that they go back to her house. 

Alyssa is definitely, definitely fucked.

"Okay."

Emma leads Alyssa to the car and opens the door for her, Alyssa smiles as she gets in. 

As soon as Emma is seated, Alyssa places a hand on her thigh. Emma looks at her hand for a moment, before glancing up at Alyssa. Alyssa raises an eyebrow, but doesn't say anything. Emma glances back down at her hand again.

"If you're going to hold your hand there, you can't move it. Okay?"

"Okay."

"Okay." Emma glances at Alyssa's hand again before fixing her gaze back on the road. She switches on the engine and starts to reverse out of the spot.

Alyssa works really hard to keep her hand as still as possible and Emma appreciates it as she's driving her home. Emma can sense the tension in Alyssa's hand as she holds it still. 

Emma knows that she's focused on the drive home but before she knows it she's pulling up at her Grandma's house and she's been safe she knows that but all of her awareness is on Alyssa's hand on her thigh. She switches off the engine and turns to Alyssa, who still hasn't removed her hand. 

"Can I kiss you?"

Alyssa thinks her brain short-circuits.

"Uh, yes? I would - I would like that." Alyssa's mouth is suddenly dry and she swallows once because then Emma is leaning in.

Emma is so gentle when she presses her lips to Alyssa's that it makes her heart ache. Emma brings her hands to the sides of Alyssa's neck, pulling her in closer. Alyssa wants to move her hands but she isn't sure where or how and she doesn't want to overwhelm Emma so she tries to just stay still. Emma parts her lips slightly and Alyssa follows her lead, moving against her gently. Emma's tongue swipes across Alyssa's bottom lip and heat coils low in her stomach. Emma pulls back slightly, but then moves back in again for a second time, then a third time. Alyssa wants to deepen the kiss but she isn't sure how so just tries to keep it in. She clenches the hand that isn't on Emma's thigh into a fist and frowns slightly. Emma pulls back again.

"Lys, kiss me."

"What?" 

"I told you before I like pressure. So kiss me."

"I-"

"Oh for God's sake." Emma puts one of Alyssa's hands on her waist and the other to the back of her neck, then puts her own back around Alyssa's neck and pulls her in. 

This time Emma kisses her hard and it's so much more. When Emma parts her lips Alyssa uses her tongue to explore Emma's mouth. She's rewarded with a quiet whimper and okay, that noise does something to Alyssa's insides. It all seems to register in Alyssa's brain at once that she's kissing Emma Nolan.

She's kissing Emma Nolan.

Alyssa tangles her hand into Emma's hair and Emma smiles because finally Alyssa is kissing her back. Emma bites slightly on Alyssa's bottom lip and Alyssa retaliates by pulling Emma's hair just slightly and Emma moans loudly. They both freeze. Emma pulls back slightly and rests her forehead against Alyssa's. 

"Was that, was that a good, uh, moan?" Alyssa sounds embarrassed to even be asking but Emma appreciates that she's checking in. 

"Yes". Emma's voice is raspy and Alyssa wants to always make Emma sound like that.

"Please do that again." Emma asks quietly, but Alyssa hears her. She moves her hand slightly, gathering up Emma's hair again but she doesn't move immediately.

"Lys - ah, oh shit." Emma breaks off into a gasp as Alyssa fists her hand and pulls again. Emma squeezes her eyes shut and falls forward pressing into Alyssa's shoulder. Alyssa smiles, pressing a kiss to Emma's head. She moves her hand from Emma's hair to stroke down her back. Emma jerks herself back hard and immediately hits her head into Alyssa's chin. Alyssa groans.

"Alyssa oh my god I'm so sorry."

"Emma don't worry it's fine."

"No it's not fine I'm-"

"Em. It's okay please chill." Alyssa moves to place her hand on Emma's thigh again but Emma catches it before she can. 

"I just- I need you to, I can't."

"Em. Breathe. Think. Then speak." Emma nods, releasing Alyssa's hand.

"Can you not touch me for a minute?"

"I, uh. Yeah." Alyssa pulls back slightly, but she has a sinking feeling in her stomach. 

"Lys it's not you. I swear. It's just… a lot." Alyssa nods.

"No it's okay I- I get that." Emma narrows her eyes, because she can sense that not everything is okay but she can't work out what's wrong exactly.

"Alyssa, what do you need right now?"

"What?"

"What do you need?" Alyssa opens her mouth to speak, then closes it again. 

"I, can you maybe touch me?" 

"Uh?"

"Oh, God. Not like- oh God." Alyssa pushes her face into her hands.

"Alyssa I get that you want me to communicate with you but I need you to talk to me too."

"I just. I don't mind not touching you but I need, you to maybe touch me? Like just hold my hand or something. Some sort of contact." Emma nods, understand what Alyssa wants.

"Alyssa can you do me a favour?"

"Yeah?"

"Press your forehead to mine again?"

Alyssa frowns, but does as asked. Pressing her head against Emma's. 

Emma takes a breath, she closes her eyes as she leans against Alyssa.

"I like this."

"Okay?" Alyssa senses that's important but she isn't fully following.

"I can - I can do this. If you need it. You can ask me to do this or just instigate it yourself. But forehead touching is okay." Alyssa finds herself almost wanting to laugh at Emma because she sounds so serious right now and this is actually really sweet.

"Okay. Thank you. This is, this is really good Em."

"Mmm."

"But I really need to change."

Emma laughs at that, pulling back. The both of them start to get out of the car. Emma leads Alyssa into the house and to Betsy's credit she barely reacts to the fact that Emma has brought someone home for the first time. 

Emma tells Alyssa to wait downstairs as she heads up to her room, and that's how Alyssa finds herself face to face with Emma's Grandma, Betsy.

"Alyssa, isn't it?" 

"Yeah, yes that's right Ma'am." Betsy nods, eyeing Alyssa up and down.

"Aren't you Veronica Greene's daughter?" Betsy doesn't mean to, but she knows she doesn't hide the anger that comes through when she says that name very well. Alyssa's eyes widen, and she sort of winces. She doesn't even need to say anything.

"Ah, never mind. Take a seat sweetheart." Betsy smiles, everything she needed to know was clearly shown on Alyssa's face when she mentioned her mother's name. 

Emma reappears soon after with a change of clothes for Alyssa, who excuses herself to the bathroom.

"So that's Alyssa Greene."

"Yep."

"And just out of curiosity - how many times have you kissed her?"

"Excuse me?"

"Her lipstick is on your mouth. And your forehead."

"Oh, god."

"So," and Betsy's eyes are sparkling, "how many times?" 

"Can we maybe talk about this later?"

"Sure. But we are talking about it."

Emma rolls her eyes just as Alyssa walks back into the room. Emma feels a weird sort of warmth in her chest at seeing Alyssa in her clothes.

"I have to go home now."

"Okay."

"But I have your number - and I'd like to maybe text you some time to, meet up? Maybe?"

"I'd like that." Emma grins and Alyssa grins right back. They end up just smiling at each other.

"Honey don't you have to get home?" Betsy's voice is gentle and teasing, but it does the trick of breaking Alyssa and Emma out of there staring.

"Shit, yeah I really do need to go."

"Language Miss. Greene."

"Sorry Emma's Grandma."

"Just Grandma is fine. Or Betsy. But it's best you get on sweetheart." Alyssa nods, and looks over at Emma. She glances between Emma and her Grandma before moving closer and pressing her forehead to Emma's. Emma smiles, leaning forward to press a chaste kiss to Alyssa's cheek. Alyssa is blushing as she leaves.


	3. I can feel each whisper of air, each fibre brushing against me, the ridges of your Fingertips

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/N: CW: Smut. This is Emma and Alyssa's first time. You've been warned.

September passed by fast. Then suddenly it was Christmas. And then it was coming up towards Easter - which happened to coincide with Emma and Alyssa's six month anniversary. They were struggling to find time for the two of them, what with Alyssa's packed schedule (apparently there's a lot that needs to be done in the church at Easter). 

Emma, on the other hand, was a lot more free. 

The second weekend in the holidays (just before going back to school) was the only real time Alyssa had free, and she'd managed to convince her Mom to let her "stay at Shelby's". 

Shelby had agreed to cover for her, thinking that Alyssa was going to Greg's.

The pair had talked about it, Emma saying she'd love for Alyssa to stay over if she could, and Betsy had been on board with it. Provided that Alyssa actually slept in the guest bedroom - which was to be expected, albeit disappointing. 

Emma and Alyssa had progressed quite far in their relationship- they were both better about communicating what they needed, and were working on being more… physically intimate. Not just sexually, but sensually too. Which is how during that weekend, Alyssa found herself lying out on the couch in Emma's room, mostly on top of Emma, her head resting on the other girl's chest. She was reading, and Emma had one of her blindfolds on, and was wearing her over ear headphones. She had a very peaceful expression - which Alyssa found quite cute - and was tapping out a pattern on Alyssa's leg - which she found a little distracting.

Emma found she enjoyed the sensation of Alyssa resting on her. She'd been a little hesitant at first - but quickly realised that Alyssa could sort of act like a weighted blanket. Just better, because she also smelt nice and was cute and soft and every now and then looked at Emma like she was the only thing that mattered.

Emma loved cuddling Alyssa.

She thought Alyssa's movements might disturb her - but she even came to love those. The slight increase and decrease in pressure that came with Alyssa's breathing. The slow rhythm as she read her books and turned the page. It was patterns - patterns which Emma quickly learned to love.

Alyssa paused in her reading, shifting ever so slightly to look up at her girlfriend. Sometimes she couldn't believe how lucky she was. She'd never been more thrilled to fail a class- her and Emma's partnership had not led to much success in chemistry. Let's just say there were quite a few distractions. She loved the little things that Emma would do without thinking - like tapping on Alyssa's thigh instead of her own - that showed just how comfortable she was around her. 

Emma sensed that Alyssa was watching her, she could feel that the other girl had moved slightly and she hadn't turned the page in her book for a little while. She raised her hand slowly, pushing her headphones so they sat around her neck, and slowly lifting the blindfold. She still didn't open her eyes though.

"I can tell you're looking at me."

"Mmmhmm."

"Any particular reason?"

"You're beautiful." Emma blushed, and Alyssa smiled as she saw the colour rise. 

Emma opened her eyes slowly, blinking a few times as she adjusted to the light, before dropping her gaze to Alyssa.

"So are you." Alyssa just smiled, shifting more fully this time so she was lying on her front, and moving further up Emma's body. She rested up on her arms - her falling and forming a curtain around Emma's face. 

"Forehead." Alyssa smiled as she whispered, and Emma raised herself up on to her elbows, pressing her forehead against Alyssa's. Alyssa sighed at the proximity. 

"Can I kiss you?"

"Yes please." Emma laid back down, and Alyssa followed. Her lips finding Emma's as their bodies pressed together. Emma was suddenly aware of Alyssa being on her front, her chest being somewhat squished by Alyssa's- yet she can't bring herself to care because Alyssa parts her lips and Emma does the same and then Alyssa's tongue darts out and wets Emma's bottom lip before licking into her mouth and then Alyssa's hands find Emma's hips.

Alyssa doesn't mean to, but the way they've moved has raised Emma's shirt slightly and she finds herself holding Emma's bare skin. She freezes- because she knows that Emma is sensitive on her sides, but Emma keeps trying to kiss her- only pulling back when she realised that Alyssa isn't responding.

"Lys?"

Emma finds that Alyssa seems to be slightly frozen and it takes a moment for her to register the feeling of her girlfriend's soft hands on her bare skin but then it registers and there's tingles racing up her sides and Emma takes a deep breath.

"Is this okay?" 

"Yes." And Emma leans back in and is kissing Alyssa before pulling back slightly and trailing kisses along her jaw and then her collarbone and Alyssa moves her hands up Emma's sides which is - intense. It sort of tickles and sort of hurts but it's just this side of overwhelming in the best possible way and somewhere Emma wonders why Alyssa hasn't touched her bare skin before but then her mind short circuits because Alyssa's hands haven't stopped and she can definitely feel her thumbs pressing against the underside of her breasts.

Alyssa's mind stops working as soon as she realises where her hands are because suddenly she's aware that the only thing separating her hands and Emma's breast is a thin layer of (by the feel of it - lacy) fabric. But then Emma is still moving, leaving a trail of kisses along her collar bone which she follows with her tongue and then she sucks slightly on her neck and the strength leaves Alyssa's body completely except that the way they're now lying results in Alyssa's thigh falling directly between Emma's legs.

Emma gasps at the unexpected pressure, lifting her hips slightly in an attempt to chase the feeling and the movement only works to push Alyssa's hands further up and Alyssa brushes over Emma's nipples through her bra and Emma is suddenly overwhelmed.

It's so much, it's too much and Alyssa hears it immediately in the change of Emma's breathing. But Emma wants this but she's suddenly overly aware of every little thing like she can feel the individual fibres of fabric scratching against her arms and the ridges of Alyssa's fingerprint brushing over her nipples and it's so intense she wants it to stop but also never stop and Alyssa goes to move away and Emma doesn't know how to stop that so instead she bites down.

It's not that hard, but she's sucking too and then soothing with her tongue and it sends waves of heat through Alyssa who definitely stops trying to move but simply whines instead and when Emma eventually let's go she risks a glance up and sees darkness and desire in Alyssa's eyes that she knows is reflected in her own. 

"Girls!"

The two jump apart like they've been electrocuted and Emma would be lying if she said she hadn't in the moment forgotten that her Grandma was literally downstairs. She looks at Alyssa with wide eyes who is looking back at her just as shocked.

It seems to register in the same moment that they're being called and suddenly the pair spring into action to make themselves look presentable. Emma is frantically wiping off the lipstick on her face and pulling her shirt down as Alyssa adjusts her shirt in a vain attempt to hide the rapidly forming mark Emma just left. Emma looks at it with guilt in her eyes.

"Alyssa I'm really sorry I just sort of was caught up and-"

"Em it's okay."

"But I should have asked-"

"I assure you I liked it." And Alyssa's words are quiet but sharp, designed simply to end the conversation. But now Emma's eyes are wide and all she can think about is the noise that Alyssa made and getting her to make it again-

"Girls? Are you coming?" And shit Emma really needs to stop thinking about Alyssa moaning and gasping.

"Just coming Gran." It's Alyssa who calls back - sounding more put together than Emma ever could - and a different sort of heat fills Emma at hearing the name Alyssa had chosen for Betsy. She isn't sure exactly how it happened- but at some point the pair had come to an agreement that that was what Alyssa would call her.

Alyssa, realising that Emma isn't very focused, rolls her eyes and grabs Emma's hand, dragging her out the room and downstairs and almost running into Betsy who is standing in the hall with a bag packed in a coat.

"Uh? Grandma?"

"Girls. Good of you to finally show yourselves." And Betsy's grin says she knows far more than Emma would like her to know about exactly what she'd just been interrupting.

"Sorry Gran."

"Its not a problem dear." Betsy smiles sweetly at Alyssa, "I just wanted to let you know I'm going out."

"Out?" Emma repeats, still a bit dazed.

"Yes sweetheart, my friend DeeDee is in town - she's staying in her holiday house and has invited me over for the night."

"Wait, you're not going to be here tonight?" It's Alyssa who speaks, surprise laced in her tone.

"Or tomorrow night actually, she's invited me for the weekend." Emma's eyes widen slightly as the implications of what her Grandma's saying sinks in.

"Now I know it's your anniversary tomorrow, so I hope you have a lovely day. I'm hoping I can trust you girls to be safe and sensible."

Alyssa just nods.

"I trust you know where to sleep Alyssa." And Emma nearly chokes because she's certain that she knows what her Grandma is implying and she can tell that her face is definitely heating up. Alyssa seems to sense her inability to talk and steps in.

"Of course."

"Well then. I'm glad that's settled. I'll see you on Sunday evening. Help yourself to anything, I've cooked some meals that are labelled in the freezer - you'll only need to heat them up." With that Betsy picks up her bags, and Emma's brain finally starts working again as she opens the door.

"Thanks Grandma."

"No problem dear." As Betsy steps out, bag in hand, she turns to face the two once more.

"Oh and Alyssa sweetheart?"

"Yes Gran?"

"I have some concealer in my dresser that ought to cover that mark right up." Betsy looks at the two with the biggest grin Emma thinks she's ever seen as she then let's the door slam behind her. 

Emma thinks she might die of embarrassment - and is relieved to see that Alyssa is just as red when she turns to face her.

"Did? Did your Grandma just give us her blessing to have sex?"

If Emma was coherent before, the images that enter her brain at Alyssa's words ruin her ability to speak, perhaps forever. Instead, she simply nods her head, and returns Alyssa's soft smile.

Hours later, they're still downstairs- they're lounging in the living room with some programme on in the background. Emma had heated up the first of the meals in the freezer - macaroni cheese - which when made by her Grandma was one of her favourite things in the world. She'd enjoyed the food, but she felt a little bit tense - she kept catching herself drumming on the edge of the table harder than usual, leaving a red mark on the edge of her fingers.

"Em?" Alyssa brings her back into the living room with a hand pressed to her leg.

"Yeah?"

"You okay?" 

"Yeah. Yeah I'm good. Are you okay?"

"Yeah! Yes I'm fine, I just-" Alyssa frowns, cutting herself off and trying to think of how to phrase what she wants to say. "I noticed that we haven't been back upstairs since Gran left." 

Emma starts drumming on the table again, but her voice doesn't waver.

"Oh?"

"I just, I- I know it's our anniversary tomorrow and I know your Grandma isn't here tonight and I get that you are probably thinking just as much as me about the- the expectations and implications of that." Emma gulps, because suddenly the room feels warmer and the air feels heavier and she isn't sure she's ready for where this is going.

"And I just wanted to say that - if you wanted to do stuff-" and Alyssa sighs, cutting herself off and closing her eyes, before opening them and forcing herself to look at Emma, "if you want to have sex then I'd like that too and I'm happy for it to be as fast or as slow as you want. But I'm also okay if you don't want that. If you want me to sleep in the guest bedroom even. I just - if we do anything tonight, I want it to be because you want to, and not because of some sort of expectation that you're placing on yourself." Alyssa finishes her little speech, frowning slightly at the thought of Emma forcing herself to do something she didn't want to do just for her. 

Emma feels her whole body releasing a tension she didn't realise she was holding. Her shoulders drop slightly, and her teeth unclench, and she feels happy.

She feels so, overwhelmingly happy.

Not for the first time Emma wonders how she ended up dating someone as wonderful as Alyssa Greene. She realises that Alyssa is still looking at her with a little bit of apprehension, so she scoots closer towards her on the couch, reaching out for Alyssa's hand.

"Thank you." And Emma smiles softly, "I didn't realise how much I needed to hear you say that. And I- I don't know if, if I'll be able to- or what will be-"

"Em that's fine."

"You're sure?"

"Yes."

"Okay."

"Okay?"

"Okay. I'd really like to go up to my room now." And Alyssa feels her whole body heat up, because suddenly Emma is giving her a look that is taking her right back to earlier in the bedroom, and her hands feel funny as she swears she can feel the weight of Emma's breasts in them again.

"Okay." Emma leads Alyssa by the hand back up to her room, she let's go only once they're inside, to close the door behind them.

Emma turns to Alyssa then, and she realises she has no idea how to start any of this. Alyssa seems to realise, and steps closer.

"Em?"

"Mmm?"

"Can I undress you?" And Emma's ability to speak is stolen from her once more but instead she nods rapidly. Alyssa smiles and steps closer, starting by unbuttoning her shirt. Emma's arms hang at her sides as she does so, simply watching Alyssa's progress. Once the whole thing is undone, Alyssa looks back up.

"Look at me." 

"I- uh, I-"

"Em, forehead." And Emma breathes because she can do that so instead of finding Alyssa's gaze she presses her head against Alyssa's and closes her eyes as Alyssa pushes the shirt back and over her shoulders, her fingers on Emma's skin now as she slides the shirt down and off her arms, throwing it into a corner of the room.

She pulls back slightly, quickly pulling her own top off and over her head, and Emma's eyes widen as she finds herself staring down at Alyssa's chest, covered only by a mostly see through navy bra. She can see so much skin and dark nipples which are quickly hardening and she closes her eyes because there's too much to take in.

Alyssa kneels down and Emma's mouth goes slightly dry as Alyssa coaxes her to lift her foot so she can remove Emma's shoes and socks. Then she's kneeling up, looking at Emma from under her eyelashes as her hands find the button on Emma's jeans. She undoes them, pulling them down Emma's legs and somewhere in Emma's mind the feeling of Alyssa's skin on her thighs registers and heat flashes through her. She lets out a small gasp that she knows Alyssa hears but ignores in favour of continuing to undress Emma.

Once Emma's stood in just her underwear, Alyssa quickly strips off too. Emma realises that Alyssa is clearly wearing a matching set as she clocks that her underwear is also navy and also see through. She finds herself feeling slightly embarrassed about her boy shorts, and crosses her arms across her stomach. It's a lot, she's feeling very vulnerable and also cold which in retrospect should have been expected.

"You look so beautiful." Emma blushes for what feels like the millionth time, the awe in Alyssa's voice clear. She clears her throat a few times before answering.

"So are you."

"Do you want to, get in to bed? Maybe?" And Alyssa's question is tentative and Emma falls in love with her even more.

"Can we just cuddle for a bit?"

"Of course." And so Emma nods and moves towards the room, climbing into bed and holding the covers up for Alyssa. As soon as she's in bed Emma finds herself relaxing more. Now that there's less of a sense of being on display. She opens her arms for Alyssa and Alyssa rolls right in, immediately bringing her legs to tangle between Emma's. 

It's very attractive- having Alyssa nearly naked in the bed next to her. But she also loves the innocence of this. Of Alyssa being next to her and pressed against her and the feel of Alyssa's skin against her own is messing with her in the best way. She feels Alyssa shiver, and realises then that she's tracing patterns against the other girls skin. She stops when Alyssa shivers and a small laugh comes from the other girl.

"Sorry. That feels really nice but I'm also really ticklish." And that is just an innocent piece of information that Emma would never have known if they hadn't done this.

"Lys?"

"Mmm?"

"Would you really be okay if this is as far as it went tonight?"

"Of course Em. Of course." Emma nods, and it's like that's the final thing she needed to hear because then she's suddenly aware that she has a nearly naked Alyssa Greene in her arms.

"I love you for that. But can we maybe do something more now?" Alyssa looks at her then, doesn't say anything for a beat as if she's trying to decide, and then,

"What would you like me to do Emma?" 

There's something about Alyssa's voice. It's a little deeper and a little raspier and it just works for Emma. Heat coils in her stomach and she groans quietly.

"Touch me."

"I am."

"No, I-"

"Where?"

"Lyss…" and it comes out as a sort of hiss and a sort of whine because Emma knows that Alyssa is teasing her but now she has so many thoughts going through her mind that she doesn't even know where to start.

Alyssa takes pity on her, moving slightly, so that she's straddling Emma's hips, she raises her hands back up to Emma's chest and starts to gently knead.

"Here?"

"Fuck."

Alyssa swipes her thumb over Emma's nipples and Emma's hips jerk but Alyssa is able to use her weight to keep the girl pinned. Emma just squirms underneath her instead because it's a lot but it feels so good.

"Lys?"

"Yes Em?" 

"Can I take my bra off?" And Alyssa's mouth goes dry because yes- yes she'd like that a lot and in lieu of an answer she moves her hands to Emma's back and unclasps her bra. Emma moves a little and between the two Alyssa is able to pull it off. Her eyes fixed now on Emma's chest and before she can think too much she moves down and brings her mouth to Emma's nipple, swirling her tongue around it once before sucking slightly and then pulling back so her teeth graze over it and Emma's hands tangle in Alyssa's hair because she never wants Alyssa to move its sending spikes of pleasure through her and she's fairly sure she'll die if Alyssa stops. 

Alyssa pulls back and Emma sort of tries to stop it and ends up tugging on Alyssa's hair slightly which makes Alyssa's eyes widen and her breath catches slightly because that feels good. She thinks she gets why Emma liked that. She moves back down onto Emma's other breast and Emma sighs in relief at the feeling before she starts gasping again.

Emma's fairly sure that this is what heaven must be like. Surrounded by Alyssa, skin on skin contact, heat, so much heat. Alyssa pulls back and Emma whimpers at the loss of contact.

And then she's dealing with a new sensation because Alyssa has left her chest wet and now it's like all the air in the room is seemingly focused on her breasts.

Alyssa moves again, so her head is closer to Emma's but her hands are able to wander and one drags down her side one drags up her thigh and then Alyssa is pressing her hand over Emma's underwear and Emma moans, loudly, because she's not sure there's any other way to deal with the feeling.

She's throbbing, and Alyssa is just skating her fingers along the waistband of Emma's underwear now and Emma wants more but doesn't know what she wants so instead she just pulls her underwear down herself. 

It's sort of tangled around one leg and there's a brief pause as she has to sort of wiggle them off which is not easy because the entire time Alyssa is touching her, her thigh, her stomach, her hips but never quite where Emma wants. When Emma stills once more Alyssa is dragging a hand up her thigh again but this time she doesn't stop. Instead she moves slightly slower, finding her fingers dragging through curls and then wet and then-

Emma lets out a ragged breath as Alyssa's fingers find her clit. Alyssa doesn't stop then, she's still moving slowly but she's circling Emma's clit and its sending weird sort of zaps of pleasure through Emma and it's so much it's so much it's so much-

and then it's too much and Emma panics and grabs hold of Alyssa's hand and is pulling her away as she brings Alyssa's hands up above them to the headboard of the bed and her eyes are squeezed shut and a choked-

"Too much too much sorry" comes out.

Alyssa doesn't move, let's Emma move her but Emma is still shaking.

"What can I do?"

"I- I don't- I need-" and Alyssa isn't really sure what makes her do it but she thinks it might work and so shuffling slightly she moves so she's lying directly on top of Emma and then she lets herself go limp, she focuses on pressing her full weight down, and she hears Emma's slight gasp before she lets out a breath.

Emma's breathing slowly evens out as Alyssa lies there. Her head ends up pressed against Emma's chest and she can hear as her heartbeat starts to slow. There's quiet for a long moment.

"Thank you." Emma whispers the words into Alyssa's hair, and Alyssa can't help but smile.

"Any time." She pauses for a moment.

"You okay?" Alyssa pulls back slightly so she can take Emma in, but realises quickly it's not the best idea because Emma's hair is messy and she looks wrecked in the best way and it turns Alyssa on to know that that's the case and that's not exactly how she should be feeling right now.

"I, uh. I think so."

"Think so?"

"I might need a cold shower." And - really, if Alyssa herself wasn't in exactly the same boat and suddenly had images flooding her mind of them showering together then maybe it would have made her laugh that Emma seemed embarrassed she was turned on after all that.

"Oh, uh, right." And Alyssa means to move, that's all she's trying to do, but she's lying on top of Emma and it's an accident but she sort of slips and then her thigh is pressed between Emma's legs and Emma gasps, hips thrusting up as her whole body suddenly comes back to life and reminds her of exactly how close she had been as pleasure flows through her.

They both freeze. Then speak at the same time.

"Em I didn't mean to-"

"Do that again." And Alyssa is certain she can't have heard Emma correctly but Emma is looking at her with want clear in her eyes and then she realises she hasn't spoken in a while when-

"Sorry, I mean, uh, if that's okay. If you want that. You don't have to do anything." And Emma starts to move as if she's going to pull away but Alyssa definitely doesn't want that so instead she tenses her thigh and uses her hips to thrust upwards and Emma's eyes slam closed as she releases a small,

"Fuck yes."

Alyssa starts to move then, as desire kicks back in, but she's slow, she doesn't want to overwhelm Emma, but Emma finds her hips and sort of tries to guide her into moving faster and then she starts sort of thrusting too.

"Is this okay?" And really - how is Alyssa supposed to answer that because nobody warned her that turning someone else on was so god damn arousing and Emma's face is scrunched up in pleasure and concentration and her hair is stuck to her forehead-

"Lys?"

"This is definitely okay. Em, fuck, you look so amazing." And Emma groans because Alyssa's voice is closer to her ear than she realised and that's working for her. She likes the idea that Alyssa likes seeing her and it causes her hips to stutter slightly and of course Alyssa notices.

"Do you like me talking to you?" And Emma can only nod, embarrassment long forgotten, and she looks so desperate and Alyssa is nothing if not helpful and she definitely wants to help Emma right now.

"Your hips keep jumping. You look so beautiful like this. I've always wondered what you'd look like when you were turned on. What you'd sound like." Emma whines and Alyssa finds it in her somehow to move even faster and Emma's breath catches,

"You seem like you're getting close Em. Are you? Can you tell me when you are?" And Emma nods, and there's quiet for a small moment as Emma seems to grind harder against Alyssa's thigh and Alyssa can feel the damp spot on her leg and-

"Close." Alyssa pulls her leg away and before Emma can even react she moves her hand down, rubbing hard and fast circles over Emma's clit and Emma hips rise high off the bed, and then land back down hard. Emma cries out as she goes over the edge, her hands clenching around nothing, panting heavily. Alyssa sees it all, keeping her fingers moving fast until Emma gasps,

"Slower-" and then she does slow, gradually, until she stops, and Emma stops twitching. Her chest is heaving, and Emma feels so - so much. It might be the orgasm but she just feels so happy and so loved and so relieved-

"Em what's wrong?" Emma hears the concern in Alyssa's voice just as she registers the tear tracks and she wipes her face quickly.

"Nothing, I swear I'm happy I just-" she can't breathe for a minute because there's a bubble of happiness inside her chest and she just feels like she might explode even as more tears leak out of her eyes.

"I never thought I'd have this."

"An orgasm?" And Alyssa's confusion is genuine, even if her question isn't. 

"I didn't know you thought I'd be that bad in bed-"

"Oh my god shut up." Emma laughs as she pulls Alyssa up next to her, and burrows her face into her shoulder, just needing her to be close for a moment.

"A relationship. I didn't know if that was possible for me what with-" and Emma sort of gestures in the air, "well me. I'd kind of made my peace with being single. I didn't think someone would want to date someone with issues… with touch issues." Alyssa holds Emma even tighter as she clearly hears the words Emma says into her shoulder. She pulls back, forcing Emma to come out from her shoulder, but Emma is staring at the wall behind her.

"Em forehead." Emma exhales as, once more, she pushes her forehead forward until she's resting against Alyssa.

"I love you. And I consider myself extremely lucky to have you in my life Emma Nolan. Every part of you. I," Alyssa pauses, feeling tears form in her own eyes and desperately trying to keep them at bay, "I value the way we connect, more than in any relationship I have had. Because I know just how much something like holding hands means to you. So when you choose to hold mine? That's trust. And love. And amazing. And I think I'm the luckiest person in the world that I get to love you."

Alyssa's definitely crying now - a little bit. But that will just be part of their story as well. One day, when they have surrounded themselves with a found family, this will be something that's brought up and laughed about. But in the meantime, Emma holds Alyssa tight, Alyssa holds Emma tight, and they drift off to sleep tangled together.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> happy christmas let's pretend I never wrote this yeah?

**Author's Note:**

> If you maybe felt like perhaps dropping me a comment it would be much appreciated okay thank you for your time.


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